Ah, the homeless life

I'm feeling a lot better since my last post.  I'm not as angry, but I'm still dealing with it.  I still want to send hate mail to the people who made our homelessness possible.  But I'm not.  Because I'd look like a fool.  And being a fool ain't cool.  So I take deep breaths and focus on the positive.

I say we're homeless, because technically we are.  We have no permanent home.  Josh's grandparents have graciously opened their home and spare bedrooms to us and that's where we've been ever since September 1st.  Josh's job is going well, he likes it and everyone loves him, even the CEO.  It's a good thing.  Ellie loves school, but of course still misses friends (in both Brookings and Topeka) and she's still finding her own way.  We head to Fort Wayne next week for All State Honors Choir, which is, in fact, a great honor.  Only around 140 kids from around the state are chosen to participate in this, and she is 1 of them.  We are so incredibly proud of her.  Although she still asks me about once a week if she can be homeschooled.  I don't understand this.

I have had the worst time finding a job.  I don't understand this, either.  I have an impressive resume and outstanding references (if I do say so myself.) and yet no bites.  I have 2 interviews in the past month, 1 job is over an hour away in downtown Indy.  I LOVE downtown Indy, I loved interviewing there!  I know I'd like the job, but the drive.... egh.  Not so sure.  The other interview is for a primary care practice in Carmel, which isn't a bad drive, but it sounds like the office is full of drama.  No thank you.  Although I'd say yes if they offered, because I like living in my own house and paying bills.  Ya know, extravagant things like buying groceries and putting gas in my car.  It's nice when you can do that.  I'm continuing to look and send resumes and cold call business and harass them every few weeks.  They probably know my number on caller ID now and warn the office manager when I call.. "It's that crazy lady again looking for a job.. should I say you're out?"   Yep, it's me.  GIMME A JOB!!!

Depression is not as frequent as it was.  I'm getting over bronchitis and the awesome narcotic cough medicine that my doctor prescribed me was a great help in this.  Hey, I'm just saying.  Not an addict, but I loved tuning out and not caring for a few hours a day.  It was bliss.  I also started faithfully doing a daily "devotional" plan.  (Can I share with you how much I hate the word devotional?  Or "doing my devotions"? I feel like a 75 year old bun-lady from the old Wesleyan camp-meeting days or like I'm in Jr. High again with my "Teen Devotional" by whoever was a "cool" Christian then. Ugh.)  Anyway, it's online thing from a group of women like me.  I like it.  It's She Reads Truth.  It's a group of women who somehow know each other and they started this topical Bible study that changes every few weeks or so.  You can follow it on your You Version app on your iPhone or iPad, or just go to the website.  They also have a twitter feed and an Instagram feed (#shereadstruth) It's very relevant and each of the writers have blogs for you to go to and wish you were them and pine over their perfectly laid out blogs with ads blinking everywhere and using words like, "Oh, honey!" and "Oh my goodness, ya'll!" And they all look like ads from Target or H&M or Gap.  Oh, and they're all skinny.  Someone else for me to compare myself to.  But I digress, I do like their website and Bible studies.

I also derive inspiration and encouragement from a number of other blogs, these are women who think like me, they're not afraid to be themselves to the very core of their being, and they inspire me.  I also want to be their friends and I frequently stalk their blogs.  They are:

~freeplaylife
~Walk Slowly Live Wildly (I have followed this gal for years, I'm sure she's filed a restraining order.)
~The Organic Sister
~Gussy Sews
~Sugar Pie Farmhouse (I love Aunt Ruthie.  I want to go to her house for a retreat & eat pie. Also followed    her for many years.
~The Pioneer Woman (Who doesn't love Ree?! She's always funny and can lift your spirits.)
~Jen Hatmaker (Author of a few phenomenal books that are thought provoking and life changing. She is also stinking hilarious.
~Kevin & Amanda

Those are just a few.  I do feel like I know each of these women personally.  They are not imaginary, but we are imaginary friends.  So if you're feeling low and need a good read or some inspiration, visit these sites.

I've made some more changes in my life, but that will have to be for another post, one in the near future I hope.  I need to get better at this blogging thing.  Like, doing it. More frequently.  If there are any readers out there, thanks for reading to the very end of this post!  See you soon.

Avoiding God

I've been avoiding God.  Because all things that have to do with God (ministry, friends, staff) have hurt me and my family deeply.  And every time I start to think about Him, I think of all of the things that have happened to us in the past 10 years, and most of all the past 4 months.  I think about how hurt my 10 year old little girl is, and how within 10 days she was ripped away from a town and friends and a school that she loved.  It pisses me off.  To say I have a lot of anger and bitterness is an understatement.  I'm not mad at God.  Really, I'm not, and I'm tired of people saying, "You shouldn't be mad at God."  Great, I agree.  And I'm not.  I'm angry at the people who made the past 4 months of our lives possible. With complete disregard to our family.  We've been been visiting a church and I'm trying to just sit and blend in.  Problem is, every time the band does a song we did in the past 2 years, I'm brought to tears because it brings back all the hurt all over again.  All the anger.   Re-living those 10 days before we moved back to Indiana.  The lack of concern from those who said they loved us and were our friends.  I just want to run from the sanctuary and sit in the car until it's all over.  So church isn't good for my soul right now, either.  Really, I'm OK with God.  God and me are alright.  But it's the thinking of things and experiencing things that surround the business of God that make me not alright.   Have you ever seen the movie "The Neverending Story"?  If you have, do you remember when Atreyu is walking and trudging through the Swamps of Sadness?  That is what it feels like every time I'm at church or think of the "business" of ministry. That is my current state of mind.

I'm sinking into a depression and I'm almost to the point that it overwhelms me.  I'm not interested in anything these days, except being with my family.  (The only good thing that came of this ordeal was that we are closer to family now.) I'm not joyful.  It's gone.  Like way gone.  It hurts to see other people happy.  People that live in their own house/apartment/condo/dwelling.  People that are happy in ministry.  People that are - well - happy.  It hurts to see happy in other people. This is one of the many reasons I'm not on facebook right now.  I can't stand seeing other people happy.  It also wells up anger, jealousy and bitterness.  Three things I know for sure God doesn't want for me.  Along with a major time waster, that is why I'm not on there.

However, I recognize that I still need God, unattached to the triggers that make me upset.  Unattached to the "business" side of things.  A simple, uncomplicated God that just wants to scoop me up in His arms and tell me it's all going to be ok, eventually.  To remind me that others have it way worse.  To remind me that everything is in His time.  It's so, so hard when you're in the middle of it. When there seems to be no way out and you're typing this from the bedroom that you call your house within someone else's house.  When the people that hurt you with complete disregard are happy.  It hurts to the core.  But God has reminded me that He is not the music, He is not the people who hurt us, He is not the ministry side of things that make me want to scream and run away.  He is carrying us, He is holding us, and He cares about my hurt.  Another blogging gal wrote about this very same thing today and I'm glad she did.  I thought about just writing about this in my journal and never telling anyone, but I realized that this is why I started this blog - to be transparent about my life and share things from it, good, bad and ugly.  Well, this is definitely the ugly.  Good and happy and daisies and rainbows and bunnies will come.  But for now, I need to focus on connecting with God in a new way.  And He is powerful enough and cares about me enough that He will help me do it.