I've been avoiding God. Because all things that have to do with God (ministry, friends, staff) have hurt me and my family deeply. And every time I start to think about Him, I think of all of the things that have happened to us in the past 10 years, and most of all the past 4 months. I think about how hurt my 10 year old little girl is, and how within 10 days she was ripped away from a town and friends and a school that she loved. It pisses me off. To say I have a lot of anger and bitterness is an understatement. I'm not mad at God. Really, I'm not, and I'm tired of people saying, "You shouldn't be mad at God." Great, I agree. And I'm not. I'm angry at the people who made the past 4 months of our lives possible. With complete disregard to our family. We've been been visiting a church and I'm trying to just sit and blend in. Problem is, every time the band does a song we did in the past 2 years, I'm brought to tears because it brings back all the hurt all over again. All the anger. Re-living those 10 days before we moved back to Indiana. The lack of concern from those who said they loved us and were our friends. I just want to run from the sanctuary and sit in the car until it's all over. So church isn't good for my soul right now, either. Really, I'm OK with God. God and me are alright. But it's the thinking of things and experiencing things that surround the business of God that make me not alright. Have you ever seen the movie "The Neverending Story"? If you have, do you remember when Atreyu is walking and trudging through the Swamps of Sadness? That is what it feels like every time I'm at church or think of the "business" of ministry. That is my current state of mind.
I'm sinking into a depression and I'm almost to the point that it overwhelms me. I'm not interested in anything these days, except being with my family. (The only good thing that came of this ordeal was that we are closer to family now.) I'm not joyful. It's gone. Like way gone. It hurts to see other people happy. People that live in their own house/apartment/condo/dwelling. People that are happy in ministry. People that are - well - happy. It hurts to see happy in other people. This is one of the many reasons I'm not on facebook right now. I can't stand seeing other people happy. It also wells up anger, jealousy and bitterness. Three things I know for sure God doesn't want for me. Along with a major time waster, that is why I'm not on there.
However, I recognize that I still need God, unattached to the triggers that make me upset. Unattached to the "business" side of things. A simple, uncomplicated God that just wants to scoop me up in His arms and tell me it's all going to be ok, eventually. To remind me that others have it way worse. To remind me that everything is in His time. It's so, so hard when you're in the middle of it. When there seems to be no way out and you're typing this from the bedroom that you call your house within someone else's house. When the people that hurt you with complete disregard are happy. It hurts to the core. But God has reminded me that He is not the music, He is not the people who hurt us, He is not the ministry side of things that make me want to scream and run away. He is carrying us, He is holding us, and He cares about my hurt. Another blogging gal wrote about this very same thing today and I'm glad she did. I thought about just writing about this in my journal and never telling anyone, but I realized that this is why I started this blog - to be transparent about my life and share things from it, good, bad and ugly. Well, this is definitely the ugly. Good and happy and daisies and rainbows and bunnies will come. But for now, I need to focus on connecting with God in a new way. And He is powerful enough and cares about me enough that He will help me do it.